Johnny Haram was his name and making things haram was his game. Our story begins in a non-descript, one bedroom cottage on the west side, the light is dim (because it’s candlelight) Johnny had haramed electricity years ago, and there was no furniture in sight, except a simple cot in the middle of the floor, and there lay Johnny Haram. He was the chosen one, as he says. Chosen for the task of rooting out all the haram he can find in the Muslim ummah. Johnny was special; he didn’t go after the clear haram things like people selling drugs or abusing their families, or homosexuality, and lewd behavior. Johnny liked to go after the hidden haram in things; he believed that there is some haram in everything that American Muslims do, and that it was his job, his destiny, to find it, and haram it.
In the corner was a stack of books, Johnny was fond of scouring the pages of his book collection searching endlessly to find a reason, any reason, to haram things upon the ummah and beat them over the head with it. Johnny really didn’t understand the books that well, but to him, just having the books in his cottage was good enough to qualify him as a student on knowledge. Johnny’s motto was; if you like it, I’ll haram it, and if it makes you happy, it must be bid’ah. Yesterday was a pretty good day for Johnny, he managed to haram two gatherings; one was a brother taking his family on vacation, and another was a trip someone was making to their grandma’s house to participate in her 50th anniversary dinner. Johnny haram was able to slap bid’ah stickers on both of these. Then there were three people’s shahadas Johnny was able to smack down because they didn’t fulfill all the conditions set by the sheikhs. So Johnny was feeling pretty spiffy today and there were still plenty of things out there that needed haraming, so Johnny felt assured that the slowdown in the economy would not affect him.
Johnny got up in the morning in time for Fajr as usual but today he was a little slow getting started; you see, several months ago, Johnny haramed coffee in the morning because he says that it is imitating the kuffaar and he had not yet found a halal, unasailable replacement drink that would help him get up in the morning. Still Johnny successfully managed to get out of bed, strap on his custom made, designer brand izaar with the side pockets, make ablution, and perform his prayers. Johnny was ready for battle. He headed out the door, and started to view the landscape trying to find a Muslim who needed haraming. His first case of the day was a Muslim woman fingering some thikr beads while waiting at the bus stop. Johnny’s keen eye noticed the glimmering reflection of sunlight reflecting off of the mother of pearl beads out of the corner of his eye. As he edged closer, he could hear the woman saying; sub’haanallah, sub’haanallah . This is pure haram! He said to himself, bid’ah bid’ah bid’ah he mumbled. Johnny prepared to make his move. He slowly walked over to the woman and before she knew it, he knocked the beads out of her hand and called her a deviant. The bead string burst and thikr beads were roiling all over the sidewalk. Johnny walked away with his chest puffed out. You need to get on the minhaj he smirked, as he casually walked away.
It wasn’t too long before Johnny got his second case of the day. There was a fortyish year old Muslim brother, a new shahaadah who wanted to attend his daughter’s graduation from college. Johnny Haram sprang into action. He feverishly scoured through his stack of books and found a fatwa, prohibiting Muslims from attending a gathering where there is and mixing between men and woman. The fatwa seemed a little weak since the Prophet allowed such gatherings, but Johnny had a backup plan; he had several potential avenues of attack. You can always find someone somewhere who will lgadly haram virtually any action, and if not, you can always claim that something is bid’ah, or that it imitates the kuffaar. So Johnny addressed the issue with vigor; he hit the brother with two fatwas and a bid’ah chaser as backup. The brother was devastated and that made Johnny very happy. The day had barely begun and Johnny already busted two people’s bubble.
On the way to his office, well it wasn’t really an office, it was an abandoned building, Johnny noticed a young Muslim brother say to someone else; what’s up bro! And Johnny suddenly remembered the fatwa that says that a Muslim cannot say what’s up brother to anyone except for his blood brother, or his Muslim brother. Johnny quickly reached into the pocket of his Christian Dior izaar, grabbed the fatwa, and before anyone could blink an eye, Johnny was on the brother, berating him for deviating from the path. The young brother, being new to Islam had no option but to capitulate, and Johnny was smug with himself. Ha ha, he said: “I’m purifying the way”.
It was still relatively early in the morning and Johnny hadn’t eaten breakfast yet, someone had offered him a leftover turkey sandwich that was leftover from Thanksgiving but that was haram, so he decided to forego breakfast to get an early start at the office. He picked up his halal approved cell phone and called his long-time partner, Barry Mc’Bid’ah to meet him where they both worked at the unlicensed State Haramization Bureau. Yeah that’s the one. Barray Mc’Bid’ah, the once promising football star at Infidel High school, whose future as a football player (and potential college graduate) was cut short by a flying football fatwa, which stated that all American sports is a waste of time and potentially haram. The fatwa hit Barry like a ton of bricks. He quit football, and after the potential for a scholarship diminished. Barry decided that if you can’t beat em, join em, and enrolled as a cadet in Big Bubbas Bid’ah Academy. Barry was a natural and excelled to the top of his class. He had only taken his shahaadah three months prior to enrollment and within a month, he accumulated enough information that he was able to go out and pronounce bid’ah upon people (bid’atize them) with the skill of a seasoned veteran. He graduated with honors, and of course there was no ceremony because that would be bid’ah, and he joined the bureau soon after, where he has worked ever since.
Barry McBid’ah and Johnny Haram had become partners and worked together for about 4 years now. They had become bona-fide Muslim fanatics and were known as the hurry up and haram it hit squad. They were at the top of their game; haraming and declaring bid’ah, all sorts of social activities; wedding anniversaries, graduations, picnics, college education, cheese, Devil’s food cake, and they even managed to haram certain kinds of milk, and toys for kids. But what they didn’t know was that Mickey McKnowledge, was about to give them a challenge that would test their skills to the limit. Stay tuned beloveds, the saga continues.
Imam Ab Laith Luqman Ahmad
Disclaimer: This is a fictional story. Any reference to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. You can contact me at imamabulaithyahoo.com if you like .